Timez eez tuff

Really?! Really? Really.

I hate to talk about it because every time I do I seem to jinx myself. I had this mental goal of becoming a producer before I turn 25 years of age. That anniversary is rapidly approaching and it seems I may have made it just in time.

I got an AP title, but it has probably come in the worst way ever, being that there is no difference in what I was doing before to what I am doing now. Granted, I didn't expect EVERYTHING to change but I was hoping for the long awaited escape from my current position.

The problem is, and I know it; I need to get out of this office. However, the backlash of leaving is that I would tear down a solid bridge.

Generally my advice to someone else would be; "Dude, you'll be ok, stick it out and look for a job while keeping this one and when the right one comes a long...go!"

My issue is I don't want to go backwards. I've invested a lot of time at this place with a lot of people and have proven myself over and over and over to finally AVAIL! Sigh....avail...

Justice is hard to come by, I realize. I've been very aware of that for quite awhile. I always knew that with good work and a good attitude I would get what I wanted and then do better with it when I had it...create my own justice.

Ok, so I have the job! I am an Associate Producer for a pilot (Another Pilot). A pilot for a gameshow that is centered on Plastic Surgery. Winzzzzz. (thats where the Really? plays in)

As a person who has dealt with projects in the past that she has felt uninspired by this one does not phase me. A job is job and I'll do the best that I can.

BUT COME ON.

I can safely say that once this title is firmly notched on my belt I am free to fly.



Sorry for the snarky post.

much love,
the mayor

Of course I am the last to write and I have no clever title to show for it.

So I've made it through my cross country road trip driving a total 3, 600 miles without killing my boyfriend OR having the car break down. I don't know which accomplishment I am more proud of. I think if you want to test any good relationship you should put yourself in a box on wheels with your boyfriend for four days straight days only to be transported to another box at night, where your only company are some roaches and your significant other. Actually it wasn't bad at all, so maybe we passed the test. 

Now I guess we are moving onto scarier tests like cohabiting. But the problem is, it's not that scary. When I was young I thought that all these benchmarks we were going to hit were going to be huge. Like, "oh my god you're living with a boy?!" or "and then he asked you move in with him in a room full of candles and flowers?!" but there was never any asking, it just happened. I guess people said it was just "time" and I'm okay with that.... I think. 

I have been stuck with doing a lot of thinking lately in the casa de Carlo and you ladies would be proud I'm keeping the sheer and utter panic to a minimum. But a lot of my thinking has been stuck on Jeremy and Aimee. I think it's because they were always one step ahead of Lee and I with relationship benchmarks and they have continued to fail. Now I hear from Eva that she may be living with her ex boyfriend for the next couple months while she's looking for a new place to live. How is that even possible or bearable? It's like being stuck in that box on wheels again only this time you know your relationship has already failed the test. 

I think we'll pass the test. Watching Lee's parents is a constant reminder that sometimes you do get to live happily ever after. Sure it takes work but every single day I see them kiss, something I haven't seen my parents do in a year. He comes home and says, "hello, my bride" and they kiss. It's simple, but everyday I wait to hear it just to make sure they are still getting their happily ever after, after 27 years of marriage. 

I love you both more than this blog could ever publish and I hope to be better in the future about posting. 

The point is:

I have failed at my own idea.

I apologize.

I will be better.  I can do better.  Yes I can.  

I've been thinking about girls growing up.  Watching them in this supposed haven, sheltered from any sense of change, cloistered into consistency.  I've been watching their mannerisms, developed from a steady influx of shoulds and coulds and never-will-bes, thinking about how I should have been a dancer (but never would), should have been a poet (but couldn't, just couldn't), should have been a hot body.  What do they think they will be?

The point is:  how far we've come.  

I hope I can say the same in another 10 years, in another 15, more.  I hope I can continue to say the distance we've traveled is vast; the yearnings we seek have stretched; the things we should have been are....

well, what?  Are they accomplished?  Defeated?  Thought better of?  Are they inane to begin with, just crumbs from a phantom want?  

I guess I hope I know.  I know enough to know.  

Today:  I should be a force, a change, a magnet.  I should be without the hesitancy that stills plagues my biggest ambitions.  I should never say, "if only I could..."

and you?

...Josh is in the kitchen listening to rap that sneaks up on you like a dick in ya face.  And everybody's living with boys these days, it seems.  Even me.  I never thought much about what that should be.  

Combos - And if you get a bag without cheese in them...the bag is haunted...

So the new adventure of our lives continues. Say it again...the new adventure of our lives continues. Yep. I know, that makes no sense, but you know what I mean.

Dear You Guys,

Thanks. Thanks for being incredible. Thanks for believing in me. Thanks for thinking I'm worthwhile. I really just love you.

To both of you; I wish you the most incredible bliss on your new adventures. I know that there are a lot of unknowns, and a lot of reasons to be worried. However, one thing I know about both of you is that you've never gone wrong, and you have always been extremely fabulous decision makers. I've loved everything you've done. Its safe to say that I am one of the biggest fans of your lives and I hope to remain that way.

When in doubt, know that you really can do no wrong in my eyes.

I'll love you always and forever and I can't wait to see you again.

The Mayor

We always talk about this....

Ok, so this is the BLOG.

Make sure to always be honest and lovely. You can be mean if you want, but its better to just speak from the heart.

Know that I love you and think of you often. Well....evvieday really.

Love you.

The Mayor.